I want...

I want to feel content and peaceful in my skin. 

I want to see and feel, accurately.

I want to appreciate food and I want my body to do the same.

I want to stop resenting food and instead feel gratitude for it’s abundance in my life. 

I want to feel “home” in my body…my skin.

I want to want to eat.

I want to stop being afraid of food. 

I want to genuinely care if I’m alive or not.

I want to be present in my life.

I want to feel balanced and grounded.

I want to feel peaceful and at ease.

I want to discover ways to expend stagnant, unwanted energy that are effective but loving.

I want to be free.

I want to feel whole.

I want to be in tune with my body and mind’s true needs.

I want to trust that I can make choices that support those needs in a loving way.

I want to know my truth.

I want to know who I truly am.

I want to be able to stop thinking about food, fat, clothes, and digestion…

I want to stop being afraid of eating. 

I want to feel safe eating healthy food.

I welcome positive feelings and energy.

I want to live in peace.

I want my body to welcome food and nourishment. 

I want to feel “home” in my body…like it’s me.

I want to have space in my life for other things besides food and my body.

I want to be free.

I am capable of changing how I feel.

I can choose my thoughts.

I want to bring the peace and calm I feel when I’m on my mat, into the rest of my life.

I want to understand my feelings.

I want to know how to feel them and what to do with them.

I want to feel normal.

I want my mind, my heart, and my body to come together…to be one person.

I want to enjoy eating.

I am capable of feeling content and at ease in the present moment.

I want to love and respect my body and treat it with kindness.

I want to feel at peace in my skin.

I want to feel worthy and deserving of gentle movement and stillness without conditions attached.

I want to feel content advocating for my needs.

I want to feel empowered to choose the conversations and attitudes I surround myself with.

I want to feel safe.

I want to feel respected.

I want to feel peace amongst chaos.

I am on a journey to discover my truth.

It doesn’t make me stupid to not know where I am going…it makes me human.

My New Conflict with Hope

I'm reading this book by Pema Chodron (a Buddhist teacher), and in it she talks about the difference between theism and nontheism... I have never heard of either so at first as I was reading this part I was basically skimming instead of actually paying attention. It was unfamiliar, boring sounding, and was not doing it for me. But as I continued to read, her comparisons and explanations started to spike more interest in me and I ended up rereading this section several times. For those of you who are also naive to these words I will quote her, "The difference between theism and nontheism is not whether one does or does not believe in God. It is an issue that applies to everyone, including both Buddhists and non-Buddhists. Theism is a deep-seated conviction that there's some hand to hold: if we just do the right things, someone will appreciate us and take care of us.... Nontheism is relaxing with the ambiguity and uncertainty of the present moment without reaching for anything to protect ourselves. It's realizing the truth of impermanence and change." I think I am a non-theist. I never connected with prayer. Asking "God" to do things as if "he" has the ability to make everyone's wishes come true. I believe that our existence is not a random accident. I also believe that there is more than what we experience here on Earth, but what that is I have not decided.

This isn't even the part that is really blowing my mine though. It's the next part she goes into... Theist's embrace hope, where non-theists abandon hope.

She is basically saying we should abandon hope. This challenged everything that I thought was what we were supposed to do as a society... have hope... In this sense, abandoning hope means embracing the present as it exists. If you are hoping that you win the lottery you are robbing yourself of living a full life with the means you have..., in my case, if I constantly hope that my knee will get better, I hinder my ability to thrive with the knee I have in the way it exists.

So... abandoning hope and accepting everything as it is, fully appreciating its organic qualities, and living wholely and completely in each moment sounds amazingly freeing. Why doesn't everybody do this? Why is hope and desire so addicting? Is hopelessness the answer we have all been searching for? But here is another question, how do you set goals, make changes, better yourself, improve your situation if you are always present and never looking into the future and what you want it to look like?

So many questions...

Quick, answer life's greatest questions!

I wrote this a few days ago and I just never posted it. This is more of a homework assignment and may not be very interesting to most.

I have been practicing yoga one-on-one for almost a year and a half now, with a teacher I respect very much. My practice with her is changing the way I see the world and how I chose to be a part of it in each moment. She constantly challenges my thinking, but in a gentle way. The other day we had the day off because our school had no power so I went to the gym in the morning. She happened to be working and decided to give me some last minute homework before our session later that afternoon. This is what she left me with:

1. How is this practice serving you?
2. What can I do, or see differently, in order to see things as they are?
3. How can I do the opposite of my automatic response?
4. Why do I chose distraction over presence of being?

Easy right? Not really... yeah, ok, I'll just answer these soul searching questions in the next 3 hours... needless to say, I could not come up with an answer to any of them with my limited time - we laughed about it, but it remained homework for next time. Just thinking about the second question makes my brain hurt. Here goes nothing...

1. How is this practice serving me? I have learned a lot about myself just by showing up on my mat. After a year of skepticism and resistance, I am now able to tolerate stillness and genuinely believe that it is necessary to healing... some days I am more willing, and/or able, than others to embrace this. The brief moments of surrender, freedom, and ease I have felt from the conflict that constantly occupies my headspace, leaves me craving more.

2. What can I do or see differently in order to see things as they are? I don't know how to answer this one yet. I need to process this more.

3. How can I do the opposite of my automatic response? Pause. Breathe. Inquire. Allow time to pass between my thoughts and my action. Thoughts don't have to become reality.

4. Why do I chose distraction over presence of being? In a simple answer, because it is easier. Somehow I don't think my simple answer is going to fly though...so going deeper...blah, I don't know... I choose distraction because it feels safer than stillness and presence. It occupies my mind and keeps me from focusing on feelings that I don't want to have. It's almost as if I try and convince myself that I exist in a different reality. A reality that I wish were my reality. When I sit in stillness and connect with myself it is a reminder that all of the "fronts" and faces I wear throughout the day are not my truth.

That is all my brain can handle from right now.

Connecting

My sister's blog inspired me to blog, and since I am already an avid journal-er... I figured why not share?


Summer is my favorite time of year for one big reason...vacation. Less commitments, more time for fun, fresh air, sunshine, time to reflect, and time to relax guilt-free. It's the time I am able to most connect with my true self. This summer, I have done a lot of "healing" work... therapy, yoga, acupuncture, holistic nutrition, journaling, reading (I know, don't pass out)... This extra time does not last forever though, and soon enough it back to work. More commitments, less time, more planning, more driving, less yoga classes, and always something that needs to get done. My anxiety builds, stress rises, and little by little I lose the connection with myself that I worked so hard for and start to walk a fine line between recovery and relapse. I feel more compelled to "play the part" of the teacher and person I feel like I'm supposed to be....responsible, inspiring, organized, passionate, effective, in control, present, happy, funny, and recovered, instead of honoring what I really feel like which most of the time is none of those things... more like, late, uninspiring, unprepared, disorganized, lacking passion, out of control, lost in my head, using humor to deflect insecurity, angry about my knee, inadequate, and anxious all the time about food, and having to fight a constant urge to exercise all the time.

I'm not sure why I feel like I have to be a different person everywhere I go. I am one person. It is exhausting playing all of these different roles, but it is completely self-imposed. I have been told by professionals in my life that I don't do as good of a job "pretending" as I think I do. "Of course they can tell, they are professionals..." but I probably wear these things on my sleeve more than I think I do. I am not going to set the unrealistic and unattainable goal of turning over a new leaf this year and never doing that. I will still do it I'm sure, but instead, I can start to ask myself why I feel like I need to do this, find more awareness, and be willing to tolerate the discomfort that comes with letting some of these "fronts" go. I would like to just be the one person that I am, with real feelings and real struggles, and be content. So what if other people know that I am really angry about my knee...that it makes me sad that I can't do the things I love anymore...that it hurts most of the time...that sometimes I cry about it...Who cares if people know that I'm not "recovered"?... That eating is still really hard for me sometimes...that I usually feel gross and huge and have to eat anyway...

I am not my feelings and I don't always feel these things...but sometimes I do, so why do I feel like it's a weakness to have "negative" feelings? I don't know... I am going to have a healthier year and make myself a priority. I always have a choice. It's my choice how I show up for each day, for each conversation, for each class... I have learned a lot this summer...things I am confident will help me find the balance and self-acceptance I am craving. Each day I am capable of, having compassion for myself and others, finding gratitude, breathing, stillness, and truth. I can show up on my yoga mat everyday and be exactly as I am without judgment. I can nourish my body and mind so that I can show up ready to take on the day with the presence, patience, and energy it requires to teach and be a role model for my students.