I wrote this a few days ago and I just never posted it. This is more of a homework assignment and may not be very interesting to most.
I have been practicing yoga one-on-one for almost a year and a half now, with a teacher I respect very much. My practice with her is changing the way I see the world and how I chose to be a part of it in each moment. She constantly challenges my thinking, but in a gentle way. The other day we had the day off because our school had no power so I went to the gym in the morning. She happened to be working and decided to give me some last minute homework before our session later that afternoon. This is what she left me with:
1. How is this practice serving you?
2. What can I do, or see differently, in order to see things as they are?
3. How can I do the opposite of my automatic response?
4. Why do I chose distraction over presence of being?
Easy right? Not really... yeah, ok, I'll just answer these soul searching questions in the next 3 hours... needless to say, I could not come up with an answer to any of them with my limited time - we laughed about it, but it remained homework for next time. Just thinking about the second question makes my brain hurt. Here goes nothing...
1. How is this practice serving me? I have learned a lot about myself just by showing up on my mat. After a year of skepticism and resistance, I am now able to tolerate stillness and genuinely believe that it is necessary to healing... some days I am more willing, and/or able, than others to embrace this. The brief moments of surrender, freedom, and ease I have felt from the conflict that constantly occupies my headspace, leaves me craving more.
2. What can I do or see differently in order to see things as they are? I don't know how to answer this one yet. I need to process this more.
3. How can I do the opposite of my automatic response? Pause. Breathe. Inquire. Allow time to pass between my thoughts and my action. Thoughts don't have to become reality.
4. Why do I chose distraction over presence of being? In a simple answer, because it is easier. Somehow I don't think my simple answer is going to fly though...so going deeper...blah, I don't know... I choose distraction because it feels safer than stillness and presence. It occupies my mind and keeps me from focusing on feelings that I don't want to have. It's almost as if I try and convince myself that I exist in a different reality. A reality that I wish were my reality. When I sit in stillness and connect with myself it is a reminder that all of the "fronts" and faces I wear throughout the day are not my truth.
That is all my brain can handle from right now.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Connecting
My sister's blog inspired me to blog, and since I am already an avid journal-er... I figured why not share?
Summer is my favorite time of year for one big reason...vacation. Less commitments, more time for fun, fresh air, sunshine, time to reflect, and time to relax guilt-free. It's the time I am able to most connect with my true self. This summer, I have done a lot of "healing" work... therapy, yoga, acupuncture, holistic nutrition, journaling, reading (I know, don't pass out)... This extra time does not last forever though, and soon enough it back to work. More commitments, less time, more planning, more driving, less yoga classes, and always something that needs to get done. My anxiety builds, stress rises, and little by little I lose the connection with myself that I worked so hard for and start to walk a fine line between recovery and relapse. I feel more compelled to "play the part" of the teacher and person I feel like I'm supposed to be....responsible, inspiring, organized, passionate, effective, in control, present, happy, funny, and recovered, instead of honoring what I really feel like which most of the time is none of those things... more like, late, uninspiring, unprepared, disorganized, lacking passion, out of control, lost in my head, using humor to deflect insecurity, angry about my knee, inadequate, and anxious all the time about food, and having to fight a constant urge to exercise all the time.
I'm not sure why I feel like I have to be a different person everywhere I go. I am one person. It is exhausting playing all of these different roles, but it is completely self-imposed. I have been told by professionals in my life that I don't do as good of a job "pretending" as I think I do. "Of course they can tell, they are professionals..." but I probably wear these things on my sleeve more than I think I do. I am not going to set the unrealistic and unattainable goal of turning over a new leaf this year and never doing that. I will still do it I'm sure, but instead, I can start to ask myself why I feel like I need to do this, find more awareness, and be willing to tolerate the discomfort that comes with letting some of these "fronts" go. I would like to just be the one person that I am, with real feelings and real struggles, and be content. So what if other people know that I am really angry about my knee...that it makes me sad that I can't do the things I love anymore...that it hurts most of the time...that sometimes I cry about it...Who cares if people know that I'm not "recovered"?... That eating is still really hard for me sometimes...that I usually feel gross and huge and have to eat anyway...
I am not my feelings and I don't always feel these things...but sometimes I do, so why do I feel like it's a weakness to have "negative" feelings? I don't know... I am going to have a healthier year and make myself a priority. I always have a choice. It's my choice how I show up for each day, for each conversation, for each class... I have learned a lot this summer...things I am confident will help me find the balance and self-acceptance I am craving. Each day I am capable of, having compassion for myself and others, finding gratitude, breathing, stillness, and truth. I can show up on my yoga mat everyday and be exactly as I am without judgment. I can nourish my body and mind so that I can show up ready to take on the day with the presence, patience, and energy it requires to teach and be a role model for my students.
Summer is my favorite time of year for one big reason...vacation. Less commitments, more time for fun, fresh air, sunshine, time to reflect, and time to relax guilt-free. It's the time I am able to most connect with my true self. This summer, I have done a lot of "healing" work... therapy, yoga, acupuncture, holistic nutrition, journaling, reading (I know, don't pass out)... This extra time does not last forever though, and soon enough it back to work. More commitments, less time, more planning, more driving, less yoga classes, and always something that needs to get done. My anxiety builds, stress rises, and little by little I lose the connection with myself that I worked so hard for and start to walk a fine line between recovery and relapse. I feel more compelled to "play the part" of the teacher and person I feel like I'm supposed to be....responsible, inspiring, organized, passionate, effective, in control, present, happy, funny, and recovered, instead of honoring what I really feel like which most of the time is none of those things... more like, late, uninspiring, unprepared, disorganized, lacking passion, out of control, lost in my head, using humor to deflect insecurity, angry about my knee, inadequate, and anxious all the time about food, and having to fight a constant urge to exercise all the time.
I'm not sure why I feel like I have to be a different person everywhere I go. I am one person. It is exhausting playing all of these different roles, but it is completely self-imposed. I have been told by professionals in my life that I don't do as good of a job "pretending" as I think I do. "Of course they can tell, they are professionals..." but I probably wear these things on my sleeve more than I think I do. I am not going to set the unrealistic and unattainable goal of turning over a new leaf this year and never doing that. I will still do it I'm sure, but instead, I can start to ask myself why I feel like I need to do this, find more awareness, and be willing to tolerate the discomfort that comes with letting some of these "fronts" go. I would like to just be the one person that I am, with real feelings and real struggles, and be content. So what if other people know that I am really angry about my knee...that it makes me sad that I can't do the things I love anymore...that it hurts most of the time...that sometimes I cry about it...Who cares if people know that I'm not "recovered"?... That eating is still really hard for me sometimes...that I usually feel gross and huge and have to eat anyway...
I am not my feelings and I don't always feel these things...but sometimes I do, so why do I feel like it's a weakness to have "negative" feelings? I don't know... I am going to have a healthier year and make myself a priority. I always have a choice. It's my choice how I show up for each day, for each conversation, for each class... I have learned a lot this summer...things I am confident will help me find the balance and self-acceptance I am craving. Each day I am capable of, having compassion for myself and others, finding gratitude, breathing, stillness, and truth. I can show up on my yoga mat everyday and be exactly as I am without judgment. I can nourish my body and mind so that I can show up ready to take on the day with the presence, patience, and energy it requires to teach and be a role model for my students.
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